Flying Monkeys of Narcissists: Understanding Their Role and Impact
When people experience emotional manipulation or psychological abuse within a relationship, they often expect the difficulties to come only from the narcissistic individual. However, in some situations, another layer of distress develops when friends, relatives, colleagues, or acquaintances become involved in the conflict.
These individuals are sometimes referred to as “flying monkeys.”
The term comes from The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch sends flying monkeys to carry out her wishes. In discussions about narcissistic behaviour, the phrase is used to describe people who—knowingly or unknowingly—help a narcissistic person influence, pressure, intimidate, discredit, or manipulate someone else.
It is important to remember that “flying monkey” is an informal psychological term, not a clinical diagnosis.
What Is a Flying Monkey in Narcissistic Abuse?
A flying monkey is generally someone who becomes an intermediary for a person displaying narcissistic or manipulative behaviour.
They may:
Carry messages between people
Pressure someone to forgive or reconcile
Defend the narcissistic person without knowing the complete situation
Spread rumours or distorted information
Question or invalidate the other person's experiences
Encourage the person to return to an unhealthy relationship
Gather information about the other person's life
Create guilt or social pressure
Contact family members or friends on the narcissistic person's behalf
Portray the person who has set boundaries as “difficult,” “selfish,” or “unstable”
Not everyone who defends or supports a narcissistic person is deliberately participating in manipulation. Some people may simply have incomplete information, believe a distorted version of events, or genuinely think they are helping.
Understanding this distinction is important.
Why Do People Become Flying Monkeys?
There can be several reasons.
1. They Believe the Narcissist's Version of Events
People who engage in narcissistic or manipulative behaviour may present themselves as the victim while portraying the other person as the problem.
Because outsiders often see only part of a relationship, they may believe this version of events.
2. They Want to Avoid Conflict
Some people become involved because they feel uncomfortable seeing conflict within a family or social group.
They may say:
“Just compromise.”
“Forget what happened.”
“They are still your family.”
Although these statements may appear peaceful, they can unintentionally place the responsibility for restoring harmony on the person who has already been hurt.
3. They Are Emotionally Loyal to the Narcissistic Person
A family member, friend, colleague, or long-term associate may have developed a strong emotional connection with the narcissistic individual.
They may therefore automatically defend them.
4. They Are Being Manipulated Themselves
A person may become a flying monkey without realizing it.
They may have been given selective information, exaggerated stories, or carefully constructed accounts of what happened.
5. They Benefit From the Relationship
Sometimes an intermediary may receive approval, attention, social status, financial benefits, or other advantages from remaining aligned with the narcissistic individual.
Common Tactics Used Through Flying Monkeys
When third parties become involved, the experience can become particularly confusing.
Triangulation
Triangulation occurs when a third person is brought into a conflict to influence the relationship between two people.
For example:
Narcissistic individual → Person B→Person A
Instead of communicating directly, the narcissistic individual may involve Person B to influence Person A.
This can create confusion, competition, insecurity, and emotional pressure.
Smear Campaigns
A person may find that others suddenly seem to have a negative opinion of them.
They may hear statements such as:
“Everyone thinks you are overreacting.”
“You have changed.”
“You are the one creating problems.”
“They told us what really happened.”
This can be deeply distressing, particularly when the individual does not know what has been communicated about them.
Guilt and Social Pressure
Flying monkeys may encourage someone to abandon boundaries.
For example:
“How can you ignore your own family?”
“You should give them another chance.”
“You need to be the bigger person.”
These statements can make a person question whether protecting themselves is selfish.
The Psychological Impact of Flying Monkeys
The involvement of third parties can intensify the emotional consequences of narcissistic abuse.
1. Self-Doubt
Repeatedly hearing contradictory versions of events can cause a person to question their own perception.
They may begin asking:
“Am I actually the problem?”
“Did I misunderstand everything?”
“Maybe I am being too sensitive.”
This erosion of confidence can be one of the most painful consequences.
2. Isolation
When several people appear to support the narcissistic individual, the person experiencing the abuse may feel completely alone.
They may begin withdrawing from friends, relatives, or social situations because they no longer feel emotionally safe.
3. Anxiety and Hypervigilance
The person may constantly wonder:
Who knows what?
What has been said about me?
Who can I trust?
Will someone contact me?
What will happen next?
This can keep the nervous system in a prolonged state of alertness.
4. Anger and Frustration
Being misunderstood or unfairly portrayed can generate intense anger.
The individual may desperately want to explain the truth to everyone.
However, repeatedly defending oneself can sometimes keep the person emotionally connected to the very dynamic they are trying to escape.
5. Loss of Trust
After experiencing manipulation through several people, trusting others may become difficult.
The person may begin assuming that everyone has an ulterior motive.
Healing therefore involves not only establishing boundaries but gradually rebuilding a sense of safety and discernment.
How to Deal With Flying Monkeys
The goal is usually not to convince everyone of your side of the story.
The goal is to protect your emotional wellbeing.
Establish Clear Boundaries
You are allowed to decide:
What information you share
Who has access to you
Which conversations you participate in
Whether you respond to messages
Which topics you are willing to discuss
A simple response can be enough:
“I don't wish to discuss my personal relationship with you.”
Stop Over-Explaining
When someone is determined to believe a particular narrative, providing more and more explanations may not change their opinion.
You do not need to prove your experience to everyone.
Use the Grey Rock Approach When Appropriate
When contact cannot be avoided, keeping communication brief, neutral, and factual can reduce opportunities for unnecessary conflict.
This can be particularly useful in situations involving unavoidable contact, such as certain family, professional, or co-parenting circumstances.
Be Careful About Sharing Personal Information
Consider whether information about your relationships, finances, plans, whereabouts, or emotional state needs to be shared with people who may pass it on.
Maintain a Support System
Isolation can make manipulation more powerful.
Choose a small number of trustworthy people who can listen without automatically taking sides or pressuring you to make decisions.
Professional counselling can also provide a confidential space to process what you have experienced.
Do You Need to Confront the Flying Monkey?
Not necessarily.
Confrontation can sometimes create another cycle of arguments, explanations, and emotional exhaustion.
Before confronting someone, ask:
“What outcome am I hoping to achieve?”
If the answer is simply “I want them to finally understand the truth,” consider whether that person is genuinely open to understanding.
Sometimes the healthiest response is not confrontation but distance, boundaries, and emotional detachment.
Remember: Their Opinion Does Not Define Your Reality
One of the most difficult aspects of narcissistic dynamics is the feeling that you must convince everyone that your experience was real.
You don't.
Someone else's belief about you does not automatically become the truth about you.
Healing involves gradually moving away from:
“How can I make them understand?”
toward:
“How can I understand myself, trust my perception, and protect my wellbeing?”
When Professional Support Can Help
If your experience with narcissistic or emotionally manipulative relationships has left you struggling with self-esteem, anxiety, confusion, boundaries, relationships, or persistent emotional distress, professional counselling can help you understand the patterns and develop healthier ways of responding.
A mental health professional can help you work on:
Rebuilding self-confidence
Establishing healthy boundaries
Understanding manipulation and relationship patterns
Reducing excessive guilt
Developing emotional regulation skills
Rebuilding trust
Strengthening self-worth
Moving toward healthier relationships
Final Thoughts
Flying monkeys can make narcissistic relationship dynamics particularly complicated because the conflict may no longer involve only two people.
When third parties become involved, it can feel as though your entire social environment has turned against you.
But you do not have to win every argument, correct every misunderstanding, or convince every person.
Your healing does not depend on everyone believing your story.
It begins with understanding what you experienced, recognising unhealthy patterns, establishing appropriate boundaries, and reconnecting with your own sense of identity and self-worth.
If you are struggling with difficult relationship dynamics and would like professional support, you can explore counselling services with Dr. Arati Bhatt at SereinMind.
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