When Children Lie: Understanding What’s Behind It and How to Respond

Almost every parent experiences it — you ask a simple question, and your child answers with something clearly untrue. You’re left confused, disappointed, or even angry.

But what if we told you that lying isn’t always about deception — it’s often about development, fear, and unmet needs?

“Lying in children is rarely a character flaw. It's usually a sign that they’re learning how to cope, communicate, or protect themselves emotionally.”— Dr. Arati Bhatt, Counselling Psychologist, SereinMind.

Why Do Children Lie?

Children lie for reasons very different from adults. Understanding these reasons helps us respond with empathy and direction, not shame or punishment.

1. Developmental Imagination (Ages 3–5)

At this stage, reality and imagination are still fluid.

“My teddy talked to me!”They’re not being deceptive — they’re engaging in fantasy play, which is normal and healthy.

2. Fear of Punishment

Children may lie to avoid getting scolded or rejected, especially if past mistakes were met with harsh reactions.

“I didn’t spill the juice!”This is a fear-based response, not rebellion.

3. Desire for Approval

Sometimes, children lie to appear better, smarter, or more likeable in front of parents, teachers, or peers.

“I got an A in class!”This often stems from low self-esteem or pressure to meet expectations.

4. Testing Boundaries

Lying can also be a way to experiment: “What happens if I say something untrue?”

Children are figuring out what’s acceptable, what’s not, and how adults respond.

5. Emotional Needs or Avoidance

A child who says “I’m not sad” when clearly upset may not know how to talk about their emotions or may fear being vulnerable.

The Problem with Harsh Reactions

Responding to lies with:

• Anger

• Accusation

• Shaming

• Comparisons

• Harsh consequences

…can backfire. These reactions shut down honesty and encourage more secrecy.

“Children open up when they feel safe — not when they feel judged.”— Dr. Arati Bhatt, SereinMind

How to Respond Mindfully When Your Child Lies

1. Stay Calm and Curious

Avoid reacting immediately. Take a breath and ask what’s underneath the lie.

“That doesn’t sound like what happened — can you help me understand?”

2. Validate the Feeling, Not the Behaviour

Lying is not okay — but the emotion behind it is often valid.

“It’s okay to be scared. Let’s talk about what really happened.”

3. Make It Safe to Tell the Truth

Reward honesty with empathy, not punishment.

“I’m glad you told me the truth. That takes courage.”

Children are more likely to tell the truth when the consequences feel fair and supportive.

4. Teach Problem-Solving Over Blaming

Help your child reflect:

• “What could you have done instead?”

• “How do we fix this together?”

• “How can we make a different choice next time?”

5. Model Truthfulness Yourself

Children mirror what they see. If they hear you lying to others (even “white lies”), they may normalise dishonesty as a tool.

When Lying Becomes a Pattern

Frequent, persistent lying might signal:

• Emotional distress or anxiety

• Fear of failure or criticism

• Low self-esteem

• Undiagnosed learning or behavioural concerns

In such cases, professional guidance can help.

Dr. Arati Bhatt at SereinMind specialises in:

• Understanding behavioural patterns

• Emotional coaching for children and parents

• Family therapy to rebuild trust and communication

• Early intervention for long-term emotional wellness

  
  

Honesty Begins with Safety

Lying is a signal, not a sentence. With empathy, clarity, and support, parents can help children build the emotional safety needed to choose honesty — even when it's hard.

📞 Need Support Navigating Difficult Behaviours?

Connect with Dr. Arati Bhatt at SereinMind for personalised strategies that blend clinical insight with emotional intelligence — helping your child thrive authentically.