Comparison Is a Coping Strategy: The Hidden Grief Behind It

Dr Arati Bh
Jul 29
3 min read

“Why can’t I be like them?”It’s a quiet question that slips in when we’re scrolling social media, watching someone speak with confidence, or witnessing others hit milestones we silently long for. Comparison is often labelled a flaw, a toxic habit, or a mindset problem. But what if it’s none of those things?

What if comparison is a coping strategy—your mind’s attempt to process unseen grief?

Why We Compare: It’s Not Just Insecurity

We often think comparison stems from low self-esteem. And while that can be true, the roots are often deeper. Comparison shows up when we feel:

Left behind
Invisible
Unworthy
Grieving what never was

We compare when something within us feels incomplete or unseen. When we haven’t been able to fully process our pain, losses, or unmet needs, our brains look outward. They scan for what we think we’re missing—and latch onto someone who appears to have it.

The Grief We Don’t Talk About

Grief isn’t always about death. It can also be about:

A childhood you didn’t get to have
The love you needed but never received
Opportunities missed because of mental health struggles
A version of yourself you had to let go of just to survive

When this kind of grief stays buried, comparison becomes the mind’s subtle cry for acknowledgement.“Why not me?” isn’t envy—it’s sorrow in disguise.

The Comparison-Grief Loop

Let’s break it down:

Unprocessed grief creates a sense of lack.
That sense of lack fuels comparison—“They have what I don’t.”
Comparison triggers shame—“I should be further ahead.”
Shame keeps the grief buried deeper—“What’s wrong with me?”

It’s a quiet, painful loop. And most people don’t even know they’re in it.

So, How Do You Break the Cycle?

The answer isn’t just “stop comparing yourself.” That’s like telling someone with a fever to stop sweating. Comparison is a symptom. The healing lies in meeting the root.

Here’s how you can start:

1. Name What You’re Mourning

When comparison arises, ask:

“What part of me feels like it never got what it needed?”Maybe it’s safety, praise, a sense of belonging, or permission to be flawed. Naming the grief is the first act of healing.

2. Hold Compassion for That Part of You

That part of you doesn’t need fixing. It needs gentleness. Would you criticise a child for feeling left out? Offer yourself the same empathy. That inner ache for “more” is rooted in something valid.

3. Tell a Fuller Story

Comparison zooms in on one curated moment. Healing widens the frame.

Instead of “They’re more successful than me,” try:

“They’ve taken a different path. I don’t know their full story, and mine is still unfolding.”

This isn’t toxic positivity—it’s perspective. And perspective soothes the nervous system.

4. Reclaim Your Inner Timeline

Comparison thrives in urgency: “I should have had it by now.”But whose clock are you living by?

Grief often delays us—but it also deepens us. Your growth might not be fast, but it’s real. And that matters more.

5. Bring It to the Therapy Room

At SereinMind, we believe that comparison is an invitation—not a character flaw. In therapy, we help you trace these emotional echoes back to their origin. When you give language to your grief, comparison loses its power.

It’s not about silencing the voice that compares. It’s about listening closely enough to hear what it’s really trying to say.

You Are Not Behind

You are not too late. You are not failing. You are not broken because you compare. You are human. And underneath that comparison may be a version of you—grieving, waiting, hoping—that finally deserves to be held.

Need support untangling comparison and rediscovering your own pace? At SereinMind, Dr. Arati Bhatt offers trauma-informed therapy that goes beyond symptoms to gently uncover your emotional truths.