Handling Sibling Rivalry Without Shaming or Comparing
- Dr Arati Bh
- May 29
- 3 min read
Sibling rivalry is natural — but it can also be deeply frustrating, emotionally draining, and even guilt-inducing for parents.
From shouting matches to silent stand-offs, kids often compete for attention, validation, and fairness. But if not handled mindfully, parental reactions can unknowingly fuel resentment, jealousy, or self-esteem issues that last into adulthood.
“The goal isn’t to eliminate sibling conflict — it’s to guide children toward resolution, respect, and emotional maturity without creating shame or unhealthy comparisons.”—
What Causes Sibling Rivalry?
Perceived or real favouritism
Developmental differences (age, maturity, interests)
Competing for parental attention or approval
Lack of emotional regulation skills
Unexpressed feelings like jealousy, fear, or insecurity
The Harm of Shaming and Comparing
“Well, your sister never behaves like this."
“Why can’t you be more like your brother?”
“You’re older, act more mature!”
These common parenting phrases may seem harmless in the moment but can lead to:
Low self-esteem in one or both siblings
Internalised guilt or identity confusion
Deepened sibling rivalry, not resolution
Beliefs that love must be “earned” through comparison
Mindful Strategies for Handling Sibling Rivalry
1. See Conflict as a Learning Opportunity, Not a Failure
Sibling fights are a natural part of learning negotiation, empathy, and boundaries.
Stay calm, even if they’re not
Step in not to fix the fight, but to guide respectful communication
Ask, “What happened, and how are both of you feeling right now?”
2. Stop Playing Referee — Start Coaching
Instead of deciding “who’s right,” help kids express their needs and listen to each other.
“Can you tell your sibling what upset you using kind words?”
“What would help you feel better?”
“What’s a fair way to solve this?”
This builds conflict-resolution skills without labelling anyone the villain.
3. Avoid Labels Like “The Smart One” or “The Calm One”
Even positive labels can backfire. One child may feel unseen, while the other feels pressured.
“I love how you both think differently — that’s your superpower as siblings.”
“Each of you brings something special to our family.”
4. Don’t Force Fairness — Prioritise Individual Needs
Children don’t need everything to be equal. They need to feel seen and valued.
“Your brother needed more help with his homework today. When you need help, I’ll be there too.”
“You both need love, not the same toys.”
This helps kids understand fairness is about equity, not sameness.
5. Create One-on-One Time With Each Child
Sibling rivalry often intensifies when children feel invisible or emotionally neglected.
Schedule individual “special time” (even 10–15 minutes)
Let each child pick an activity
Use this time to connect — not correct
“Connection with each parent lowers competition between siblings.”— Dr. Arati Bhatt, SereinMind
6. Model Conflict Resolution at Home
Kids mirror what they see. Show them how to:
Apologise with sincerity
Compromise without resentment
Name feelings instead of blaming
Your calm in conflict teaches them more than any lecture.
When to Seek Support
If sibling conflict becomes:
Physically aggressive
Emotionally abusive (name-calling, bullying)
A source of deep anxiety or withdrawal for either child
Interfering with family peace or parental well-being
It may be time to consult a family therapist or child psychologist.
Dr. Arati Bhatt at SereinMind offers tailored guidance for:
Emotionally intelligent parenting
Sibling dynamics
Child behavioural challenges
Family therapy with empathy and skill
Connection Over Comparison
Every child deserves to feel:
Loved without condition
Heard without judgment
Unique without comparison
Sibling rivalry is not a reflection of bad parenting — it’s an invitation for emotional growth and deeper connection, for both children and parents.
Want Personalised Parenting Guidance?
Connect with Dr. Arati Bhatt at SereinMind for expert support in nurturing stronger sibling bonds and emotionally secure children.
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