Parenting the Teen You Have, Not the Teen You Imagined
- Dr Arati Bh
- Jun 18
- 3 min read
We all enter parenthood with hopes — sometimes even fantasies — of who our child will become.We imagine a close bond, shared values, open communication. We dream of a child who is respectful, kind, emotionally intelligent, and perhaps even a little like us.
But then adolescence arrives.
And suddenly, the sweet, compliant child you knew may begin to:
Slam doors, shut down, or talk back
Challenge your authority
Reject your affection
Seem like a stranger
This is when many parents feel the rupture:
“Who is this person? And what happened to the child I raised?”
Why the Shift Happens
Adolescence isn’t a rebellion — it’s a rewiring.
The teen years are when a child’s brain undergoes rapid neurological, hormonal, and emotional development. They’re trying to establish autonomy, form identity, and belong in a world that often feels overwhelming.
This transformation is normal, but it can feel like loss.
The grieving of the “imagined child” is real. So is the challenge of meeting the actual teen — especially when they express discomfort, distance, or difference.
From Control to Connection
The old parenting paradigm often relies on control:
“Because I said so.”
“You’re under my roof.”
“Don’t talk back.”
“I know what’s best.”
But the teenage brain is wired for independence, not obedience. Control breeds resistance. Connection fosters trust.
When you let go of who you thought your child would be, you create space to truly know who they are.
Common Signs You’re Parenting From Expectation, Not Presence
Feeling constant frustration or disappointment with your teen
Trying to fix or “correct” their personality or preferences
Comparing them to your younger self, siblings, or peers
Viewing defiance as disrespect, rather than a developmental need
Struggling to accept their identity, mental health journey, or beliefs
Letting go doesn’t mean giving up. It means releasing the fantasy to embrace the relationship that actually exists.
Tools to Shift Toward Connection
1. Notice Your “Shoulds”
“They should be more grateful.”“They should care more about school.”“They shouldn’t be this emotional.”
Ask: Whose voice is that?Is it yours? Your parents’? Society’s?
Letting go of the “shoulds” opens the door to compassion.
2. Practice Curiosity Over Correction
Instead of:
“Why are you always on your phone?”
Try:
“I notice you’ve been on your phone a lot — is that your way of decompressing?”
Curiosity lowers defenses. It tells your teen, “I want to understand, not control.”
3. Accept Their Emotions Without Fixing
When your teen says, “I hate school,”resist the urge to respond with logic or solutions.
“That sounds heavy. Want to talk about what’s been hardest?”
You’re not responsible for removing their discomfort —only for witnessing it with warmth.
4. Repair, Even If You Didn’t Cause the Rupture
Maybe you parented the way you were parented. Maybe you’ve said things you now regret.
Repair sounds like:
“I realize I haven’t made it easy for you to talk to me. I’m working on that.”“I don’t expect you to trust me overnight. But I want to earn it, day by day.”
Teens respect honesty more than perfection.
5. Honor Their Individuality, Even When It Scares You
Your teen may choose a different career path, belief system, gender identity, or lifestyle than you imagined.Let them.
“I may not understand everything about you — but I’m committed to loving all of you.”
This is safety. And safety is what teens crave more than control.
What Teens Really Want (But Might Never Say)
“Please don’t try to fix me. Just sit with me.”
“I know I push you away sometimes — but I still need you.”
“Let me figure it out, but stay nearby.”
“I’m not trying to be difficult. I’m trying to become myself.”
The teen years are messy.But they’re also sacred.
You’re not just raising a child — you’re supporting the formation of a human soul.
You’re Not Alone — SereinMind Can Help
Parenting a teenager is emotionally demanding, especially when trauma, neurodivergence, identity exploration, or generational wounds are involved.
At SereinMind, we offer:
Parent-teen therapy for conflict resolution and emotional connection
Trauma-informed parenting sessions with Dr. Arati Bhatt
Support groups for caregivers navigating adolescence with compassion
Resources to help you shift from reactivity to regulated parenting
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