Why Sex Should Never Be Used as a Reward or Punishment

By Dr. Arati Bhatt, Counseling Psychologist| SereinMind

Sex is one of the most intimate, vulnerable, and emotionally charged aspects of a relationship. Yet, many couples unknowingly fall into patterns where sex becomes a bargaining tool—a reward for good behavior or a punishment for disappointment.

While it may seem like an emotionally logical reaction, using sex this way can damage trust, intimacy, and long-term connection.

What Does “Using Sex as a Reward or Punishment” Look Like?

• “You didn’t do the dishes, so don’t expect anything tonight.”

• “You were so sweet today—you’ve earned it.”

• “I’m angry with you, so I’ll withhold physical touch until I’m satisfied.”

These may seem subtle or even harmless, but over time, this turns sex into currency instead of connection.

Dr. Arati Bhatt, founder of SereinMind, explains:“Sex should be an expression of mutual care, safety, and consent—not a behavioural tool. When it becomes conditional, it breeds resentment, emotional manipulation, and performance pressure.”

The Harm of Transactional Intimacy

1. Breaks Emotional TrustWhen affection is used to control behavior, partners stop feeling emotionally safe.They may begin to second-guess whether physical affection is real or earned.

2. Increases Resentment and ShameThe punished partner may feel rejected, while the one withholding may feel emotionally distant or guilty.

3. Reduces DesireDesire thrives in freedom, vulnerability, and emotional safety—not in obligation.

4. Leads to Power ImbalancesOne partner becomes the "gatekeeper" of intimacy, often reinforcing patterns of control.

   
   

What to Do Instead

1. Communicate, Don’t Punish

• Say, “I felt hurt when…” instead of withdrawing silently.

• Set emotional boundaries, not physical rejections.

2. Separate Conflict from Affection

You can still hold hands, offer hugs, or express kindness—even when upset.This keeps the emotional bridge open while processing conflict.

3. Make Sex About Connection, Not Compliance

Engage in intimacy when both partners feel emotionally safe, not rewarded.

4. Repair After Conflict Before Intimacy

Take time to reconnect emotionally. Don’t rush into physical closeness to “make up” if either partner feels unresolved.

How Therapy Can Help

At SereinMind, Dr. Arati Bhatt works with couples to:

• Rebuild trust around intimacy

• Separate emotional manipulation from healthy boundaries

• Restore connection when sex has become a source of tension

• Help each partner feel seen, not controlled

  “Healing happens when couples relearn that sex is not a transaction. It is a sacred, shared expression—not something to win or lose.”

Sex should never be used as a bargaining chip. It deserves to remain what it truly is—a space of closeness, vulnerability, and care.

When couples learn to communicate needs instead of manipulate emotions, they rebuild relationships based on mutual love, not silent scoring systems.

📞 Need Help Untangling Emotional Patterns in Your Relationship?

🌐 Book a session with Dr. Arati Bhatt at SereinMind In Person Sessions available in Gurgaon | Online Sessions Available| Relationship Therapy | Intimacy Healing | Non-judgmental Space