Why We Sabotage Healthy Love—and How to Let It In
- Dr Arati Bh
- May 24
- 3 min read
You meet someone kind. They communicate clearly. They show interest and consistency. It feels… safe. But suddenly, you feel restless. You overthink, pull away, find flaws, or even sabotage the connection. You tell yourself, “I don’t want to get hurt”—yet in trying to protect yourself, you push love away.
Why does healthy love feel so uncomfortable?
At SereinMind, we often explore this deep and quiet fear: the fear of being loved safely. And healing it begins with awareness.
Understanding Self-Sabotage in Love
Self-sabotage is not a sign that you're broken—it's often a coping response rooted in past pain. When we've been hurt, abandoned, or betrayed in the past, our nervous system learns to associate closeness with danger.
So when something real and safe enters our lives, it doesn't feel familiar. It feels suspicious.We reject it not because it's wrong—but because it's unfamiliar.
Signs You May Be Sabotaging Healthy Love
You pull away when someone gets emotionally close
You feel bored or anxious in calm, stable relationships
You replay past heartbreaks and expect similar endings
You seek drama or intensity to “feel something”
You fixate on flaws or test your partner’s loyalty
You feel unworthy of love and doubt their intentions
Where It Comes From: The Roots of Sabotage
1. Unresolved Childhood Wounds
If love meant walking on eggshells, proving your worth, or being emotionally neglected, healthy love may now feel uncomfortable or even unsafe.
2. Fear of Vulnerability
Letting someone truly see you means lowering your defenses. For many, this feels like surrendering control—and triggers deep anxiety.
3. Low Self-Worth
When you don’t believe you deserve healthy love, you may push it away or unconsciously choose people who confirm your negative self-beliefs.
4. Addiction to Chaos
If you’ve normalised emotional intensity (e.g., fights, toxic patterns), peace can feel like a lack of passion. You mistake calm for “boring.”
How to Let Healthy Love In
The good news is—you can rewire how you experience love. But it starts with healing your relationship with yourself.
1. Build Emotional Awareness
Notice your triggers without judgment. Ask:“What am I afraid will happen if I let this person in?”“Is this reaction based on now, or on my past?”
2. Practice Receiving Without Guilt
Healthy love isn’t transactional. Let yourself receive kindness, compliments, affection—without needing to “earn” it.
3. Learn to Regulate Safety
Use grounding techniques when you feel overwhelmed. Remind yourself:
“It’s okay to feel safe.”“I don’t have to run.”“I deserve a love that doesn’t hurt.”
4. Reframe What Love Looks Like
Love isn’t always butterflies. Sometimes, love is:
Showing up consistently
Respecting your boundaries
Communicating honestly
Growing together, not just falling for each other
5. Seek Support to Heal Deeper Patterns
At SereinMind, therapy helps you uncover why you fear healthy love and how to trust yourself in relationships again. Healing isn’t about “fixing” yourself—it’s about returning to the parts of you that know how to love and be loved.
Final Words from Dr. Arati Bhatt
You’re not too damaged for love.You’re not too much.You’re not too sensitive.You are healing—and with healing comes the strength to welcome the love you once feared.
Ready to stop pushing love away?
Book a confidential therapy session with Dr. Arati Bhatt at www.SereinMind.com It’s time to stop surviving love—and start feeling safe in it.
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